XOXO

Lex

 We got to the theater around 10 pm to check out the line and see if we had time for an evening coffee. I may be fairly young at 25, but after working an eight hour day I was fading fast. The line was outrageously long and we laughed as we pulled in. The parking lot had plenty of spaces available, since the majority of the crowd was too young to drive past 10 without an adult. We scoped out our line for the showing were pleased to find that it was not very long, and the crowd seemed a bit older. But, as we walked up we realized we were mistaken. We walked by our line to find girls studying, finishing homework, and playing games of Scrabble and Life.

 After standing at the end for about thirty seconds, we decided it wasn’t going to get much longer, so we drove to get coffee.  Instead of Starbucks, we ended up at the Irish Pub around the corner and had some Irish Coffee. After two drinks each and feeling a bit toastier we headed out to brave the crowd. When we got back to our line we were pleased to see it had only grown by about ten people.

The other lines, however, were now full of screaming and chanting girls. Debates were flying over Team Edward and Team Jacob; girls were exchanging pictures of the stars, and showing off their home-made tee shirts. The theater opened its doors about 30 minutes prior to the showing and the crowd erupted in cheers. By this time I was fairly giddy with excitement myself. The girls behind us were singing loudly and the women in front of us were chattering like teenagers. It was time for the later showing line to enter and we hustled along buzzing with excitement.

  Inside it was a swarm to the seats. I got fairly decent ones, and then ducked out to grab a soda. The lines for soda and popcorn were huge. I got stuck in front of a local high school cheer coach and her assistant. They gossiped about the girls on their team while they said hi to the girls they knew in the lobby. I was disgusted that grown 40 something year old women could gab so much about their students, but I held my tongue. When it was my turn to go up to the counter I ordered. The obnoxious coach went to the register next to mine and noticed the employees were mostly males. So she said, “Of course, only boys working tonight. Guess you guys don’t like these movies much.” She then looked at me asking “Right?” I said nothing and she continued, “Or wait is it that you couldn’t get a date to watch it with? That’s it right, no dates?” I gave her an ’I'm not amused’ look and the guy ringing up her transaction said, “Actually I just don’t twelve year olds.”  I smiled at the guy and laughed. “Good one.” I said as I went to leave. After I left I thought briefly that if I was single I would’ve asked for his number, he was definitely good looking and at least eighteen.

 When I came back into the theater, they began playing trivia games for posters and tee shirts. I watched on while tweens and teens jumped up and down screaming for movie paraphernalia. After about twenty minutes of previews, it finally began.

 A dramatic intro in which the title appears on had everyone waiting on the edge of their seats. Then a cheer erupted at the first line. It was drowned out by the cheering and then a loud “SHHHHH!” And then we all saw him, Robert Pattinson, or should I say “Edward” and all the girls cheered again. He did look stunningly gorgeous, but isn’t that the norm? Whether a candid shot with his hair astray or perfect lighting, hair, and make up onscreen, he definitely makes girls and women alike melt. And then there was Taylor Lautner as “Jacob”. From the moment we saw him enter the screen girls were screaming, gasping, cheering, and whistling. And during the scene where he first takes off his shirt, I am pretty sure girls were fainting. He was beautiful. Every time he turned around with his shirt off I heard so many sighs and giggles, I couldn’t help doing it myself.

I have to say, after falling in love with Edward in Twilight; Jacob won our hearts and some with his excellent performance. He had some big shoes to fill, and I can honestly say, even after reading the books more times than I care to admit, I finally think Jacob is better for Bella. His devotion to her when Edward leaves is more than any girl can dream of. Taylor Lautner gets two thumbs up from me for his ability to steal our hearts from Edward as Jacob.

And then there was the scene where Edward tells Bella he is leaving. I teared up all four times I saw it (I have managed to squeeze in three more showings before completing this piece).  Then there was the montage after he leaves, I could feel my heart aching for her as well as myself. The pain she felt was  real, I’m sure my own heartache helped magnify it, but either way the affect it had was astounding.

 Overall, I would have to say that though the movie seemed to move pretty quickly, I was pleased. The emotions I felt reading the book were powerful and real in the movie, a difficult task to accomplish, but done with excellence.

I sit here watching as your pale blue eyes look down at the music and you absentmindedly run your fingers through your tousled hair and all I want to do is wrap my arms around you. 

 But, I won’t. I mustn’t spoil the moments when you look that way.  They are too perfect. Every time you sit there on your bed or on the floor, whether with your guitar on your knees, a pen and paper in hand, or a book in front of you, I admire you. Your looks are so intense and so beautiful; I cannot imagine my life had I not known them. I love it when you tell me that I am inspiring you. I can’t hide the way it makes me feel, and I often giggle, and the smile you reply with fills my heart. 

I pick up my notebook and paper and all I want to write about is you and the way you move, smile, look at me, look with your wrinkled brow and scrunched lips when you are deep in thought, and the way you make me feel so relaxed and perfect around you, even though perfection is something I lack. I would rather be here sitting with you than with anyone else right now. 

 It’s funny because you say you don’t like big crowds or having people all around, and I used to think I was the opposite, I needed people, I needed excitement, but I don’t. All I need is you and the comfort of watching you, listening to you as you sing your latest piece, or talk about a book you are reading. Your passion draws me to you like no one I have ever known. 

I don’t mind the fact that people are always staring at you because of your irresistible Byronic look, or that I can hear girls catch their breath as we walk by as though you just stepped off the silver screen, I am confident in what we share. 

And I love the fact that your hair is unkempt more half the time, you prefer stubble to shaving regularly, and you swear by your favorite jeans and old flannel shirt. Your carefree attitude, honesty, and compassion comfort me. 

When I am with you I don’t feel the need to fill the silence or try to figure ways to keep you entertained. I know that one another’s presence is enough for us both and words are not always necessary. I can’t see myself being anyone other than plain old me around you and I am comforted knowing that is enough for you. No catches, no maybes, no secrets, no lies, no-nonsense. You keep me grounded, and I love every moment we share.

XOXO

Oxford

XOXO

Oxford

 Last night after I had wished him happy 25th and he responded my brother pulled out this box I had given to him before I left home. In the box were a bunch of old photographs, and notebooks from my high school days. I read through them and opened one folder that had a large picture of Dave and me when we attended Winter Formal together. Of all the days to pull this box out and hand me it, my brother unknowingly chose his birthday. And so in remembrance of our days spent together, I decided I would set aside time to write about all the wonderful things we experienced together in the 11 years I have known him.

 However, I found myself unable to come up with anything, not because it wasn’t great but because I wanted to capture a specific feeling. I was kind of disappointed with myself, but then last night as I lay there in bed and thought about it, I realized there was a reason for it. What we share cannot be described in words. I care for him, love him even, more than I can truly comprehend, but it goes beyond all that. He is a wonderful man, and any girl that catches him will truly be blessed. I know having him in my life has been a blessing from the beginning and that can’t ever be taken away. Our bond, though no longer romantic, is bigger than that. We learned the beginnings of love from one another and grew from our first real relationship. Nobody can replace that and I am glad that of all the people on this earth he was my first love, even if he wasn’t meant to be my last. And I am even more grateful to have gotten a wonderful friend out of the experience, one I know that I can always count on.

Though I was not the one he held on the night he turned 25, I can say I am happy for him. And, I look forward to countless years of friendship.

 I love you Dave, and though it is the day after and I have already wished you a happy birthday, Happy Birthday again. Oh, and thank you for every part of my life you have touched. You truly are an amazing man.

Always,

OXFORD

Other than the texting confusion (which I really got a kick out of) today has been a rather interesting day. I am planning a road trip to Idaho for Thanksgiving, finishing my novel, and cleaning as I write this. It rained most of the day, and I absolutely LOVE this weather.

I woke up to a cat and a four year old sharing my bed; I love those nights when I have to be wary of a face, limb, or vital organ that isn’t my own.  I have managed to eat almost an entire bag of peanut butter m&m’s as well. (I am debating whether I should hide them from myself). The day is not yet over, so I still have things to do. But I had to share with you readers (if there are any) the half day I have had so far and I will continue later tonight.

For now, I have stopped looking. I’ve looked for Mr. Right for a good part of my 25 ½ years. And Lord knows I have had a decent amount of time to find someone or at least get it right. But, I haven’t. In fact, looking back all I see is the same pattern of inconsistency. I move from one to another only to feel good about something one minute and hurt the next. Why is that? I mean I look back at all this writing from the time I was 16 (and too young to really know what I wanted or who I wanted) and all I see is the same thing happening over and over again. It’s always the same thing first we are friends, then more than friends, strangers, acquaintances, and back to friends. We are hot then cold, sweet then sour, yes. no, maybe, possibly, and then just friends again. Which is it? Why can’t there be some kind of balance? Is it so hard to find? Why can’t there be some kind of consistency with the way we act and feel? I just don’t know. But yet, it continues if not with one man, then with the next. Honestly, I am too old for this. The drama has gotten old, and I am worn out from playing the game. I am over it. I am done.

And even with the one person I swore I would wait for, it’s the same story, in one way or another. We go back to same inconsistent back and forth pattern. We are both guilty of it. We both hold on to the drama, whether we admit it or not. It is as though we crave it. I wish I could say there was something more to it. However, when you are too scared to admit your feelings and send the wrong signals and I mess up because I read too much into those signals, it all goes back to more drama. And what is left of our relationship continues on this roller coaster ride that won‘t slow. All of the twists and turns and loop de loops are spread out before us and the blurry lines between friendship and romance mark unclear boundaries and territories we try to avoid but manage to charter bits of. And it is just enough to get a taste of something great for both of us only to become disappointed because words and actions don’t coincide. Do we care, or not? Why is it so hard to admit?

And the whole “let’s be honest about this” kick. Well yes, let’s. But why can’t you be honest with your feelings? Why do you continue to pull the strings at the last second, when in reality this puppet show shouldn’t or can’t go on? You value honesty, I understand that and so do I. But your actions speak louder than those words. All I ever wanted was some kind of consistency, not a free for all joy ride. And that is what I continue to look for. So either embrace it or drop the game playing. Lord knows I got off the ride a long time ago, but somehow I manage to get right back in line when you come calling hoping that the next one won’t be so rough. So basically let me know if we are in this or not and don’t go back on what you decide. And for the sake of the next woman that comes along, don’t lead people on.